The Stories — I Never Want To Talk About This Again

Jillian Dooley 9/4/23 Jillian Dooley 9/4/23

So I wake up at my godmother’s house. I’m in bed looking up at the ceiling of this bedroom that I’d never seen before. I was super nauseated, so I got up to go to the bathroom just in case. When I got there, I looked in the mirror and I was completely bandaged up and had a girdle on. I realized that I wouldn’t be able to take it off to pee.

I almost wrote about a lot of different things – family tragedies, ex-boyfriends, huge betrayals, lifelong struggles – but none of them felt true to the process because I do want to talk about those things again. There may have been a t

Jillian Dooley 9/4/23 Jillian Dooley 9/4/23

I never again want to explain that they, too, are in the hell of patriarchy and the cage of masculinity and the only way to get out is to listen and learn and change. I don’t want to keep begging the men in my life to read books by women. I don’t want to repeat the statistics of how many rapes get reported, tried, and convicted when someone’s fucking dad tells me he feels bad for all the accused men out there.

When I start a session with a new therapist, Or when I get serious with someone new, Or when I drink too much, Or, or, or, I tend to start here: I was in a bad relationship. Because I was in a bad relationship. I was 18, and it

Jillian Dooley 5/8/23 Jillian Dooley 5/8/23

We stayed together for many years. We were not actually really “together” for all of them, and when we were, he was cheating on me. There were always girls. A college girl he met on Instagram. She was 17, and by this point he was nearing 30. A girl who lived in California who I think was maybe also his girlfriend somehow.

I very distinctly and too frequently recall standing in the kitchen and my dad having just taken out the garbage. I went to put the new bag in and lid on, but I very intentionally stalled for an extra minute. Thus it was perfectly timed s

Jillian Dooley 4/1/23 Jillian Dooley 4/1/23

But how do you know your worth if there isn’t an agreed upon worth? And we all have ways our own worth is measured. Your job pays you for what you are worth to them. When you die, the life insurance people will calculate the cost of your life. Worth literal $. What is your net worth, worth?

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I –  I took the one less traveled by. And that has made all the difference. Robert Frost I’ve always loved that poem, but for a different reason than most of my friends. People often mistake

Jillian Dooley 3/1/23 Jillian Dooley 3/1/23

At the end of the week, I spiraled. I canceled my plans. I relapsed on bad behaviors I had stopped years ago. For the next 6 months, he and I dated casually as I hid my descent into deep depression and then depressive psychosis. I was still scared to go home at night. I was always so scared. We never talked about that week he didn’t show. I didn’t hold it against him. Work is work, right? We all have bills to pay.

Since moving to New York almost 20 years ago, I’ve found it hard to make good friends. Don’t get me wrong, I had friends, just not the kind that would always be there for me no matter what. Show up when I really needed them. Bring you sou

Jillian Dooley 12/31/22 Jillian Dooley 12/31/22

She professed her love for him. She was in love with him. My best friend was in love with my husband! She claimed that if he did not feel the same way, she would have to separate herself from him. Hence leaving the chat. But somehow in her sick mind she thought he would never tell me and we could remain best friends.

A moment burned into my brain. The bus back to NYC after a job interview that would change my life. 23. Anxious voices on the other end of the phone. Cancer. Options. It will be ok. Covering my head with my sweatshirt as I sobbed for the

Jillian Dooley 12/1/22 Jillian Dooley 12/1/22

A profound sense of loss. Dad. The man who taught the shy little girl to go up to children on the playground and introduce herself. Told her to never be afraid of raising her hand in class. Whose last conversation with his priest was that he wasn’t afraid of death but wasn’t ready to stop being a father yet.

I never really had a good understanding of love. Then again – I never really had a good understanding of any emotion. In anticipation of this entry, I needed to undo the emotional work I have done over the past decade to go back and clear

Jillian Dooley 10/31/22 Jillian Dooley 10/31/22

Behind closed doors we fought, things were thrown, threats made. I was left on the street, no keys, wallet, or cell phone – completely locked out. I slept on the floor, the bathtub, I was forced to throw up, to purchase, to submit. I had a curfew. I couldn’t go anywhere alone and if I was alone I needed to be picked up.

A year into the pandemic, 6 months after my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, and 2 months before my 25th birthday, I was diagnosed with SLE (systemic lupus erythematosus) which then led to my second diagnosis of lupus nephritis (lupu

Jillian Dooley 8/31/22 Jillian Dooley 8/31/22

You have to let go of yourself. You have to mourn you, your body, everything you once knew about yourself, and who you once were.

Volume 1