I very distinctly and too frequently recall standing in the kitchen and my dad having just taken out the garbage. I went to put the new bag in and lid on, but I very intentionally stalled for an extra minute. Thus it was perfectly timed so he would come back inside and SEE me doing this. It worked and I got a coveted and rare: “You saw something that needed to be done and you did it – good job!” 

I have no way to know if I am 8 or 25 in this memory – the impact on me would have been the same. This external validation need – as I have now learned a name for it – is omnipresent. It has driven every single thing in my life. I went to school every day in 8th grade so I could get the Perfect Attendance Award and go on stage during 8th grade graduation to accept the accolade. That was the motive. 7th grade, 9th grade – no award ceremony, no need for any effort.

Does everyone feel this way? Does everyone look to someone or something else to determine that they are in fact (contrary to their belief) worthy?

Worthiness – or, more specifically – worthlessness is such a common topic nowadays:

“Know your worth”

“Don’t settle for less than your worth”

“Is it worth it?”

“Are they worth it?”

“Are YOU worth it?”

But how do you know your worth if there isn’t an agreed upon worth? And we all have ways our own worth is measured. Your job pays you for what you are worth to them. When you die, the life insurance people will calculate the cost of your life. Worth literal $. What is your net worth, worth?

The goal - my therapist says - is to be the one yourself needs. Be who you needed and tell yourself what you always needed to hear. I love the therapist's little exercises: Let’s go back to that memory. Let’s go back to that little girl. What would you tell her? 

I would tell her:

I’m proud of you no matter what. I see you. I see you.

Your value is not how much work you do, how late you work.

Your value is not how skinny you are.

I’m proud of you. 

Take care of yourself first.

I’m proud of you.

You’re worthy of love.

I went to a Killers concert the other day. All I could think about was – wow – there are 10,00 people here. Every one of them spent $50 - $100 to be here. To hear one person sing and perform on a stage. All I could think was – does Brandon Flowers have imposter syndrome? Is he also thinking and doubting – wow, all these people are here to hear me? Am I worthy?

No wonder so many musicians, etc. get into drugs and alcohol. I feel nervous that I don’t belong on a 10 person conference call. 

I recently read that Ashley Parker Angel – of the critically-acclaimed O-Town – thought that he would be part of the 27 Club: The “club” of famous musicians like Kurt Cobain, Janis Joplin, Amy Winehouse, who died from drugs at 27. Now I’m thinking – does APA think he is in the same “club” as Kurt Cobain? Maybe he needs a little tiny dose of imposter syndrome himself. Is there a line between feeling worthy and delusions of grandeur? I’m on a quest to find the line and toe it myself. 

So what to do now? 

I’m trying the small things. 

My alarm on my phone says “You can do it!! Proud of you.” For some reason, even though I wrote these myself – it still makes me smile. I read all of the books on worth, perfectionism, the High 5 habit which tells you to – yes, you got it – high five yourself in the mirror every morning. This girl I follow on Instagram - Serena Kerrigan - gives advice to talk to yourself in the mirror as though you are talking to your best friend. Such a different mindset. Look back at your texts when your friends or family aren’t doing well – you say all of the things they need to hear. And they mean something to them. And you meant it all. They just needed to hear it. So take what you need from external and make it internal.

Maybe most importantly – have the people you spend most of your time with be the right people that tell you they are proud of you when they are. My partner tells me this every day – about so many things, big and small. He doesn’t really understand feeling worthless. He thinks depression is being sad. BUT – he listens and really hears – and learns and helps. Guilt isn’t a religion practiced on the West Coast so it’s all a little new. Culture shock, if you will. 

T.I. said it best: “Unhappy with your riches because you’re piss poor morally.”

Just when you thought I was wrapping things up…

My struggle with validation and being proud of myself has only gotten harder as I’ve gotten more “successful.” (Highly in quotes because wtf is success anyway!) I worked so hard and scrimped and saved for so many years that when I achieved the highest promotion, paid off my loans, bought a house, I don’t know what to do now. I’m not a runner but I was so busy running a marathon I never thought what would happen if I crossed the finish line. I guess the problem is that the finish line keeps moving. My next goal is to be my own motivator and cheerleader (ew idk why that word). And to let things go. Hold onto it and name how it makes you feel and why and then let it go.

This isn’t really the story I thought I’d write when I thought about something I didn’t want to talk about again. Sometimes I’m an oversharer, but usually on minutia. If something is sad and scary and serious, I am silent. I can’t bear to give it validity and reality by naming it. So this is me acknowledging and naming depression, worthlessness, and out-of-body suicidal thoughts. Not that I wanted to die – but that I was not worthy to live, or to be.

I didn’t mean this to be a self-help book summary. 

“5 Tips To Feel Like You Matter”

“How To Get Up From Crying On The Bathroom Floor”

“How To Look Cute But Not Be Obsessive and Vain”

But also maybe it will be as helpful to someone as it was for me to get all of my thoughts out.