Since moving to New York almost 20 years ago, I’ve found it hard to make good friends. Don’t get me wrong, I had friends, just not the kind that would always be there for me no matter what. Show up when I really needed them. Bring you soup when you’re sick. Someone who becomes more of a friend - someone who is family.

I learned friendship from my father. His friends were our family. Called Uncle Joe, Uncle John, Uncle Matt…these were his best friends who we celebrated holidays with, whose families became our families. 

I craved this moving to a new city. I had it in Houston, but New York was just different. People here are all about themselves. Cancel plans at the last minute if something better came along. I was left always feeling like I never was that something better.

I then met my husband, who filled that void for me. We started out as friends, quickly to friends with benefits. He became my family and together we built a beautiful family of our own.

Yet I found myself through the years still craving that best girl friend. Someone who I could complain to when I was pissed at my husband or when I was upset with work or feeling like a failure of a mother. 

And then, around January of 2019, I found my person. I’d actually known her for probably 10 years but we were friendly, not friends. She taught 1st graders at my kids’ school cooking classes and other things. But finally one day we just clicked. I think it all started at the kids morning assembly. She had two kids as well at the same school and every morning we would gather in the social hall for morning assembly at dropoff. Kids all sitting up front, parents hanging out in the back. On stage were 2 children every morning leading teh pledge of allegiance. There was usually a morning song. Some of my happiest memories of motherhood were in these 15 minutes – connecting with other parents, watching the sweet children sing and get ready for their day.

I loved starting my day off like this.

I guess one day we started to talk standing near each other. Several moms from school worked out at the same gym and she was trying to convince me to try it. The class was at 5:30am so I needed a lot of convincing. But I was seeing real results from these women and I was motivated to try it. 

It was rough getting my body adjusted to waking up at 4:50am. And the class was hard! Part cardio, part weights – like a crossfit type of boot camp. My body that first week was destroyed. I remember hardly being able to squat down to sit on the toilet, I was that sore.

But she kept me motivated and was my reason for showing up every day. I felt part of a community finally. I felt a friendship blossoming. I wanted to impress her and there became this responsibility to show up no matter what so she wouldn’t question where I was. That gym and those mornings became everything. I would go to bed at 8pm to make sure I had enough sleep. I stopped hanging out with my husband after the kids went to bed because the gym and she became what I loved to do.

Our friendship began to move beyond the confines of morning dropoff and the gym. We carpooled to a school charity event in Brooklyn where we hung out, getting high and sipping lemonade. And from there she started to come over to hang out at my house.

Friday nights I had started something I called Shabbaques where families would come over, kids would run around like lord of the flies, and us adults would eat, smoke, drink, watch movies, etc. It was pretty idyllic. I was trying to recreate what I had in my childhood and force these experiences and friendships on my kids. The other families were good friends but none of the women were my best friend like she was becoming. So I decided to add her and her family to our exclusive Friday night club. Her husband didn’t come as often as she and her kids did. And she fit right in. The kids knew each other from school even though they were different ages. But she moved right into the group with ease. She’s a trained chef and helped ante-up our cooking. She didn’t drink but was always game to get high.

There were things she was into that weren’t my jam but were totally my husbands. So they started forming a relationship of their own, talking about things like conspiracy theories, or crystal healing – stuff more alternative than my interests. But I loved it because finally my husband had a person to share his “wacky” podcasts etc. with that was not me so I was thrilled!

Her husband started to come less and less and we slowly started to learn they were struggling as a couple. She wasn’t the most open person to share her feelings but we consumed her, counseled her on legal advice based on others we knew in a similar situation. 

And she and I grew closer and closer. Talking all the time, there for each other. I had done it – I finally had that person in New York I had been craving.

She became family. She was included in our holiday celebrations. She was the one I spent my birthday with, going to my favorite restaurant, bringing me a crown, showering me with thoughtful cards and gifts. We went away together as families on camping trips.

My dog was obsessed with her and made crazy noises and squeals whenever she would come over. Running in circles – literally she was more excited to see her than when I would come home from work every day. And I loved it. 

I knew she would be there for my kids if something happened while I was traveling for work. She became the emergency contact on all school forms – especially since she worked at the school.

And then came March 2020. And she and her kids became our bubble. There wasn’t a day that went by hardly where we didn’t go to the store and drop off supplies at the others. Meals outside several times a week in our backyard. Walking together. Between March 2020-2021 we were inseparable. During the summer of 2020 our family went to LA and she lived in my house with her boys, slept in my bed. February 2021 we spent my birthday together. Only her, my husband, and myself. I was content and didn’t need more.

For Spring Break of 2021 we went with another family to a resort in Florida. Before we left she sent a text to the group chat where she said she was taking a break from it and was going to concentrate on individual relationships. By this time she and her husband were already living apart. He moved into another apartment in the same building and their kids freely moved between homes. Right before we left for Spring Break I heard her telling my daughter who recently got a phone to put her number in there in case she ever needed anything or if she wanted to talk to her about anything that she couldn’t talk to me about. That didn’t sit with me right – something in that moment made the hairs on my arms stand straight up.

Then her text saying she was leaving the group chat and then we left on vacation. 

During the trip, she was a big topic of conversation. Why did she leave the chat? We all hypothesized this and that but it was just weird. Though she texted me a few times asking how we were. Upon arriving home, my husband and I took our daily evening walk. About halfway through the walk he turned to me and said, “I think I know why she left the chat.” And that was when the bomb was dropped. Right before we left he took the dog for a walk. And he was speaking to her on the phone when…

She professed her love for him. She was in love with him. My best friend was in love with my husband! She claimed that if he did not feel the same way, she would have to separate herself from him. Hence leaving the chat. But somehow in her sick mind she thought he would never tell me and we could remain best friends.

Well he did tell me. And he told her that he loves me and loves our family and that it was never ever going to happen. 

I asked all the questions of my husband…did anything ever happen? No. Does he find her attractive? No. How long had he known? Well, apparently, she told him this information a YEAR before, but he shut her down then too and assumed she had moved on so didn’t stop his friendship with her. He admitted to liking the attention. That it felt good for his ego to have another woman want him. That…I tried to understand the best I could. He said he was very surprised when she brought it up again. He said to me, “What did she think the outcome could possibly be?” And I told him exactly what she wanted. My husband, my kids, my dog, my house. She wanted everything that I loved.

I truly think she was deranged. Her son could now be brothers with his best friend (not looking back what did her kid pick up on when he would call me “Sister Mommy” – omg!) 

I know my husband led her on through his friendship with her. Especially once he knew her true feelings a year prior.

She never ever thought he would tell me. So she just kept texting like normal. “Hey I found these awesome flip flops you need to get.” 

How do I handle this? What do I tell my kids? What do I tell the friendship circle that I brought her into? How should I respond to her messages? Finally I sent this message back to her: “I need to take a break from our friendship right now. I’m sure you understand.” To which I got this reply: “I’m here if you want to talk.” No remorse. No apology. She went on to say she is going to focus on herself right now. 

I went through all the stages of grieving. I was so sad. Then so mad. The good news was that my husband and I were/are closer than ever as a result.

The kids started asking where she and her kids were. We started with “She is taking some time to focus on herself right now,” I deleted her number from my daughter’s phone when she wasn’t looking. And for a few Friday nights when our friends asked where she was, Ikept quiet. I was trying to take the high road. Not be a gossip. But finally I just broke down and told my closest other friend in the group. I remember vividly sitting in my living room telling her and she just cried. And cried. She too had let her into her home with welcome arms. And the fact that someone we loved and trusted so much was capable of something like this was too much. Telling my friend I felt validated in my truth. And she kept it quiet – didn’t even tell her husband!

After several months of my kids asking constantly about her I sat them down. In my childhood my mom had what seemed the opposite of my father. She had a best friend who would then disappear with no explanation. I didn’t want to do that to my kids, yet I couldn’t give them the explanation. It was too hard for even me to handle. So I just told them this…”She did something to me that I have forgiven but can never ever forget. And her actions showed me that she is not someone who I want as a part of our life. That’s all I am going to say. This is an adult matter but I thought you should know that we will not see her anymore.”

They never asked me about her again.

Because she is a teacher at the kid’s school, and her youngest is still there, we have run into her a few times. It was beyond awkward. I always tried to be friendly to her kids but never said anything to her. We ran into her “ex?” husband recently and he was so excited to see my husband. “Dude it’s been so long – we have to get together!” He has zero and I mean zero clue and we didn’t tell him. I have no idea how she has explained to people why we are no longer friends. No idea the tale she has told. Did she tell people my husband came onto her? Who knows. I could have been super revengeful – I could have made her lose her job, I could have told everyone in our social circles. But I tried to “go high” and just say nothing. 

When I want to talk about it, I discuss it with my husband. And I’ve realized maybe I don’t need a best friend. I live with one. And I have my kids who are as loyal and as fun as any friend I have ever had. 

I will never ever understand why she did what she did. I wish she just kept her mouth shut and not ruined our friendship. But was it even a friendship we had? Or just a means to my husband? I was just collateral? I’ll never know. She tried to take what is sacred to me…the most sacred. My family. They are all I need and they are mine.

I purposely did not use her name as I don’t think she deserves that. She wasn’t a friend. 

I used to think I was a good judge of character. But through this I have learned I trust too easily. I give too much. And because of this I also get burned too easily, hurt too often.

With eyes wide open, I never ever want to talk about her again.